Saturday, May 18, 2013

Inalillah Gramps

May 11 2013.
We heard the news that our gramps was suspected of having a heart attack. I didn't wanna believe it at first because we all knew how healthy and fit Paktok was. He's been super steady at all times.

Made a move to Penang at 9am. Got in Penang at 2 ish. We had our lunch first and headed to the hospital right after. It kinda torn me apart having to see him on a hospital bed. But no, he didn't seem weak nor dying. He was himself. Laughing and cracking silly jokes.

Papa : Diorang tak pasang TV ke dalam bilik ni?
Paktok : Depa nak pasang TV buat apa, orang dok sakit jantung tak larat la nak tengok TV

And everyone laughed. Looking at him still keeping up with the environment and still strong lightened us up.
We talked for a bit and I slept on the couch after because I was super tired driving all the way from KL and didn't have enough sleep the night before. After a few hours in the hospital, we had to bounce. Dah salam semua and cabut pergi makan nasi kandar. Dah sampai rumah tu, baru nak masuk rumah ni I overheard Ma on the phone with my uncle nak menangis and kept on saying "Bapak dah takda?". I couldn't cry because I was too speechless. Semua masuk balik dalam kereta and rushed to the hospital.

I didn't wanna believe anything that night. I didn't wanna believe that he was dead. That he had left us just like that. I mean, how could he ? It took me a while to tear down. I was still in shocked. I saw him on the bed with nurses and doctors around him. They tried giving him CPR and shit, but there was nothing. Ma kept saying he's not there with us anymore but there's still heartbeats, barely. I broke down right after I saw him on the bed. I took a long walk around the hospital, sobbing like mad. Thinking, I should've spent the night with him instead of sleeping on the couch and went for nasi kandar. I wish I had the power to go back to a few hours before. I could accept his death if my wish came true. It's so hard to swallow. So so hard.
I couldn't gather around with the family because I didn't want anyone to see me cry. I saw Nafis cried and that made me cry harder.
I kept on praying that night for Allah to take me instead of him. It's too soon for him to go. Way too soon.

You wanna know how he died ? He told my uncle he wanted to rest after a long conversation. Takde semput takde angin apa, tiga kali hembus nafas terakhir sambil sebutkan Allahuakbar and that was that. Allah lebih sayangkan dia. Doctor kata dia dah takde, nangis lagi. Kami mandikan jenazah dia, nangis lagi. Solat isya' dekat rumah Tokman, while praying pun nangis lagi. Took a short nap lepas subuh pun the tears were dried already.

May 12 2013
The next day was his pengebumian. Sampai tiada tangisan yang nak ditangisi because I cried too much the night before. I acted normal on that day. I talked to people, laughed and stuff. Yknow what they say, it's not good to be all sad in front of mayat. It was hard but I managed to pull the bright side of me. Until it was time to sapu minyak dekat Arwah. Oh God, it crushed me immediately to look and kiss Arwah for the last time.
I loved him, we all did. He was the first grandparent out of the four to leave us and the least expected to go first.

Masih menerima keadaan dan takdir. Tak boleh nak buat apa, hanyu mampu berdoa untuk arwah. Semoga arwah berada di kalangan orang yang beriman. We love you always, Paktok. You will be missed. Inallilah Inna Ilaihi Raji'un.