Monday, June 1, 2015

State of Mind

Still searching. I may have found it. I may have not
I may have stumbled upon the wrong one(s)
One second I thought I may have developed feelings
But the next, it just is not there
I know fate has written for each and every one of us
But what if I end up with the one that I am just not crazy about?
And what if the one that I am crazy about is not crazy enough about me?
Do I overthink?
Sometime.

But when I do not
Things just go wrong
When I thought I am the happiest living thing alive
Life would prove to me that I wouldn't be
I am not blaming anyone
Maybe it's just me

Ya Allah, what is happening to me?
Why have I become so heartless?
Why am I always in doubt?
I am not in doubt of the Creator
Of course He knows best
Of course everything is already planned out
I am not suffering from any illness or any mental devastation
I am not thirsty for love either

I am always so happy when I see people settle down
But the question is, will my turn come anytime soon?
That is for God to know and for myself to find out.


Muhasabah diri, dear self
Muhasabah diri and just let things flow by itself.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

2014 in a wrap.

How shall I conclude 2014 ? It's so much different than last year and the years before but let me tell you, I have changed a lot since then.

1) My best friend broke up with me (before I had the chance to dammit). Had a hard time moving on though I started seeing other people for fun but I could not feel whole myself. There was this void that needed to be filled and I still could not find the right piece to close the void. 

2) So my best friend's ex hates me for no reason (well obviously because of him) and the girl that he chose (over me) hated me too, I guess. I don't know and I could care less. But the three of them are way past me. I have apologized and I have forgiven them. 

3) I really did have a hard time moving on. I did not tell my best friends about it. I acted like I was fine, I acted like I have moved on a few days after. But it turned out that acting like nothing happened costs me more than half a year to get over it. I had dreams about him, hoping and wondering if he was ever to come back. I tried conversing but he sort of pushed me away. But then again, I am glad it happened that way. I wish to no longer be in speaking terms with him. 

4) March: Our first roadtrip. #bff #friendstiljannah #allthatjazz
Syaida, Aizad, Nafis and I were sitting dekat mamak sambil lepak sambil sembang sambil minum and sambil sambil tu Nafis brought up the words, "Nasi Kandar". We started talking about Deen, we started talking about Penang. And so we decided to go to Penang 5 days after. Had the permissions from our beloved dearly oh so sweet parents. Pergi for 3 days, crashed my grandma's house because it was empty. Met up with Boy and Muhsin. Makan like crazy day and night. It was definitely definitely awesome. When you're with the right clique, the place doesn't really matter because you're gonna have fun anyway.

4) April:  I got surprised by my best friends in my own kitchen. Nadiah, Aizad, Syaida, Nafis and there was Yusuf too. I did wish the rest was there too but it was definitely a good time. My first surprise, too, in 22 years. 

5) Spring '14: Stayed in Dubai for a month with Nafis, Aizad and Nabila. Good times, good shit, but most of all I did not gained a pound. 

6) August:  I lost 5kg and kinda remained at that. There came another weight loss plateau. I think I have shredded a bit, or so said by people. But of course I need to lose another 15kg. I just need to. 

7) There's this person yang became an important part somewhere throughout this year. He was that friend whom listened to my sorrows and I was his therapist. We were practically fixing each other. I suppose I felt the need to let go after he was feeling better. I did not want to be attached or even a part of him. I know there was something going on for him but no, the feeling was not mutual. From February until November. Why only November ? I will explain further.

8) I could not like anyone. I could not feel. I was basically heartless. But what it has taught me over the year is not to trust anyone completely. But not all guys are the same. It's just that I couldn't develop feelings so why give them hopes when I know I could not do anything in return, ay? 

9) The struggles, the mending bits of the heart part, the trying to find myself part, and trying to walk the right path part helped me in every part of the months in 2014. 

10) Ah so here comes the story towards the end of 2014. 

11) November: So there's this guy (oh boy here she goes again). Met this guy over twitter. Yes, twitter. And this is the first time I have ever met anyone online. Long story short, we've been following each other for a while (and by that I meant over a year maybe two). But we have never spoken before until end of October or was it early November ?

We talked for a bit and I was just wondering is he ever gonna ask me out. Because I was dying to talk to this person in real life, man. Like I don't want no visual friend. Ergo I was the one to ask him out for coffee. Ironic sebenarnya because I hate coffees and I don't drink hot drinks. But I guess it's like a thing la kot when you want to ajak someone somewhere you ajak for coffee ? Heh. Lepas I ajak he said he'd love to and terus my heart started beating like crazy tahu. We exchanged numbers and langsung whatsapp. I meant to stay as just friends because I thought like what the hell, why not ? Though I had a feeling this guy is shy tapi yang jenis banyak cakap in social medias la kot. But what the hell, I still wanna meet up with him.

Found the right date, we met up, and hands down I gotta say it was the first time I experienced love at first sight. Terus cair babe time lunch tu. His eyes are so tajam, so deep, when he takes off his spectacles, he gives out this really deep glare into your eyes. It was a very fine first date. 
What was better is that bila dah balik tu he said I made his day. You have no idea how much it made my day. Yes, I happened to suddenly like the guy immediately. And no, Naeelah tak pernah suka orang cepat sangat. 

12) I am now with him. I know it's only been a short while but Eed is just the sweetest ever and this time I mean it. I have never felt like this. My best friends have never seen me like this. So angau so in my own world so in love. I do not know how to describe this amazing feeling but for all I know, I just feel like at home whenever I am around him. Like I said, I have never experienced this before with any guys. He really is something. 

13) It's December 31, 2014. 22:25 Dubai
He will meet my parents tomorrow, he will come over for dinner. I am super nervous. Hoping things would go well. I really want them to like him because Mama Papa, I am head over heels for this one. For whatever it is, let's not jynx shit ey.

14) January 1, 2015 Dubai
What a way to start a new year. The first man I have ever brought home. And the parents loved him ! Papa would not stop talking about him. It was a short meet up in Dubai, short indeed. But it was worth every second. Papa dropped him at the airport. We bid our farewell only knowing we're gonna see each other again once I set foot in a few days di Malaysia. So much love for this man. I would not ask for more, wouldn't even trade him for the world.





Haidar Hillal, you made my new year in just a blink of an eye.

Haidar is Love.