State of Mind

Still searching. I may have found it. I may have not
I may have stumbled upon the wrong one(s)
One second I thought I may have developed feelings
But the next, it just is not there
I know fate has written for each and every one of us
But what if I end up with the one that I am just not crazy about?
And what if the one that I am crazy about is not crazy enough about me?
Do I overthink?
Sometime.

But when I do not
Things just go wrong
When I thought I am the happiest living thing alive
Life would prove to me that I wouldn't be
I am not blaming anyone
Maybe it's just me

Ya Allah, what is happening to me?
Why have I become so heartless?
Why am I always in doubt?
I am not in doubt of the Creator
Of course He knows best
Of course everything is already planned out
I am not suffering from any illness or any mental devastation
I am not thirsty for love either

I am always so happy when I see people settle down
But the question is, will my turn come anytime soon?
That is for God to know and for myself to find out.


Muhasabah diri, dear self
Muhasabah diri and just let things flow by itself.

2014 in a wrap.

How shall I conclude 2014 ? It's so much different than last year and the years before but let me tell you, I have changed a lot since then.

1) My best friend broke up with me (before I had the chance to dammit). Had a hard time moving on though I started seeing other people for fun but I could not feel whole myself. There was this void that needed to be filled and I still could not find the right piece to close the void. 

2) So my best friend's ex hates me for no reason (well obviously because of him) and the girl that he chose (over me) hated me too, I guess. I don't know and I could care less. But the three of them are way past me. I have apologized and I have forgiven them. 

3) I really did have a hard time moving on. I did not tell my best friends about it. I acted like I was fine, I acted like I have moved on a few days after. But it turned out that acting like nothing happened costs me more than half a year to get over it. I had dreams about him, hoping and wondering if he was ever to come back. I tried conversing but he sort of pushed me away. But then again, I am glad it happened that way. I wish to no longer be in speaking terms with him. 

4) March: Our first roadtrip. #bff #friendstiljannah #allthatjazz

Syaida, Aizad, Nafis and I were sitting dekat mamak sambil lepak sambil sembang sambil minum and sambil sambil tu Nafis brought up the words, "Nasi Kandar". We started talking about Deen, we started talking about Penang. And so we decided to go to Penang 5 days after. Had the permissions from our beloved dearly oh so sweet parents. Pergi for 3 days, crashed my grandma's house because it was empty. Met up with Boy and Muhsin. Makan like crazy day and night. It was definitely definitely awesome. When you're with the right clique, the place doesn't really matter because you're gonna have fun anyway.

4) April:  I got surprised by my best friends in my own kitchen. Nadiah, Aizad, Syaida, Nafis and there was Yusuf too. I did wish the rest was there too but it was definitely a good time. My first surprise, too, in 22 years. 

5) Spring '14: Stayed in Dubai for a month with Nafis, Aizad and Nabila. Good times, good shit, but most of all I did not gained a pound. 

6) August:  I lost 5kg and kinda remained at that. There came another weight loss plateau. I think I have shredded a bit, or so said by people. But of course I need to lose another 15kg. I just need to. 

7) There's this person yang became an important part somewhere throughout this year. He was that friend whom listened to my sorrows and I was his therapist. We were practically fixing each other. I suppose I felt the need to let go after he was feeling better. I did not want to be attached or even a part of him. I know there was something going on for him but no, the feeling was not mutual. From February until November. Why only November ? I will explain further.

8) I could not like anyone. I could not feel. I was basically heartless. But what it has taught me over the year is not to trust anyone completely. But not all guys are the same. It's just that I couldn't develop feelings so why give them hopes when I know I could not do anything in return, ay? 

9) The struggles, the mending bits of the heart part, the trying to find myself part, and trying to walk the right path part helped me in every part of the months in 2014. 

10) Ah so here comes the story towards the end of 2014. 

11) November: So there's this guy (oh boy here she goes again). Met this guy over twitter. Yes, twitter. And this is the first time I have ever met anyone online. Long story short, we've been following each other for a while (and by that I meant over a year maybe two). But we have never spoken before until end of October or was it early November ?

We talked for a bit and I was just wondering is he ever gonna ask me out. Because I was dying to talk to this person in real life, man. Like I don't want no visual friend. Ergo I was the one to ask him out for coffee. Ironic sebenarnya because I hate coffees and I don't drink hot drinks. But I guess it's like a thing la kot when you want to ajak someone somewhere you ajak for coffee ? Heh. Lepas I ajak he said he'd love to and terus my heart started beating like crazy tahu. We exchanged numbers and langsung whatsapp. I meant to stay as just friends because I thought like what the hell, why not ? Though I had a feeling this guy is shy tapi yang jenis banyak cakap in social medias la kot. But what the hell, I still wanna meet up with him.

Found the right date, we met up, and hands down I gotta say it was the first time I experienced love at first sight. Terus cair babe time lunch tu. His eyes are so tajam, so deep, when he takes off his spectacles, he gives out this really deep glare into your eyes. It was a very fine first date. 

What was better is that bila dah balik tu he said I made his day. You have no idea how much it made my day. Yes, I happened to suddenly like the guy immediately. And no, Naeelah tak pernah suka orang cepat sangat. 

12) I am now with him. I know it's only been a short while but Eed is just the sweetest ever and this time I mean it. I have never felt like this. My best friends have never seen me like this. So angau so in my own world so in love. I do not know how to describe this amazing feeling but for all I know, I just feel like at home whenever I am around him. Like I said, I have never experienced this before with any guys. He really is something. 

13) It's December 31, 2014. 22:25 Dubai

He will meet my parents tomorrow, he will come over for dinner. I am super nervous. Hoping things would go well. I really want them to like him because Mama Papa, I am head over heels for this one. For whatever it is, let's not jynx shit ey.

14) January 1, 2015 Dubai
What a way to start a new year. The first man I have ever brought home. And the parents loved him ! Papa would not stop talking about him. It was a short meet up in Dubai, short indeed. But it was worth every second. Papa dropped him at the airport. We bid our farewell only knowing we're gonna see each other again once I set foot in a few days di Malaysia. So much love for this man. I would not ask for more, wouldn't even trade him for the world.





Haidar Hillal, you made my new year in just a blink of an eye.

Haidar is Love.

Inalillah Gramps

May 11 2013.
We heard the news that our gramps was suspected of having a heart attack. I didn't wanna believe it at first because we all knew how healthy and fit Paktok was. He's been super steady at all times.

Made a move to Penang at 9am. Got in Penang at 2 ish. We had our lunch first and headed to the hospital right after. It kinda torn me apart having to see him on a hospital bed. But no, he didn't seem weak nor dying. He was himself. Laughing and cracking silly jokes.

Papa : Diorang tak pasang TV ke dalam bilik ni?
Paktok : Depa nak pasang TV buat apa, orang dok sakit jantung tak larat la nak tengok TV

And everyone laughed. Looking at him still keeping up with the environment and still strong lightened us up.
We talked for a bit and I slept on the couch after because I was super tired driving all the way from KL and didn't have enough sleep the night before. After a few hours in the hospital, we had to bounce. Dah salam semua and cabut pergi makan nasi kandar. Dah sampai rumah tu, baru nak masuk rumah ni I overheard Ma on the phone with my uncle nak menangis and kept on saying "Bapak dah takda?". I couldn't cry because I was too speechless. Semua masuk balik dalam kereta and rushed to the hospital.

I didn't wanna believe anything that night. I didn't wanna believe that he was dead. That he had left us just like that. I mean, how could he ? It took me a while to tear down. I was still in shocked. I saw him on the bed with nurses and doctors around him. They tried giving him CPR and shit, but there was nothing. Ma kept saying he's not there with us anymore but there's still heartbeats, barely. I broke down right after I saw him on the bed. I took a long walk around the hospital, sobbing like mad. Thinking, I should've spent the night with him instead of sleeping on the couch and went for nasi kandar. I wish I had the power to go back to a few hours before. I could accept his death if my wish came true. It's so hard to swallow. So so hard.
I couldn't gather around with the family because I didn't want anyone to see me cry. I saw Nafis cried and that made me cry harder.
I kept on praying that night for Allah to take me instead of him. It's too soon for him to go. Way too soon.

You wanna know how he died ? He told my uncle he wanted to rest after a long conversation. Takde semput takde angin apa, tiga kali hembus nafas terakhir sambil sebutkan Allahuakbar and that was that. Allah lebih sayangkan dia. Doctor kata dia dah takde, nangis lagi. Kami mandikan jenazah dia, nangis lagi. Solat isya' dekat rumah Tokman, while praying pun nangis lagi. Took a short nap lepas subuh pun the tears were dried already.

May 12 2013
The next day was his pengebumian. Sampai tiada tangisan yang nak ditangisi because I cried too much the night before. I acted normal on that day. I talked to people, laughed and stuff. Yknow what they say, it's not good to be all sad in front of mayat. It was hard but I managed to pull the bright side of me. Until it was time to sapu minyak dekat Arwah. Oh God, it crushed me immediately to look and kiss Arwah for the last time.
I loved him, we all did. He was the first grandparent out of the four to leave us and the least expected to go first.

Masih menerima keadaan dan takdir. Tak boleh nak buat apa, hanyu mampu berdoa untuk arwah. Semoga arwah berada di kalangan orang yang beriman. We love you always, Paktok. You will be missed. Inallilah Inna Ilaihi Raji'un.

But hey you made my day

You make me smile by reading your What's Apps. You make stupid jokes that I can never forget. You make me laugh a lot, and by a lot I meant A LOT. Your voice is always the best thing to listen to all day long. You were shy at first because you said you needed time to get to know me better and such. That took only the 2nd call to do it and you were yourself after.
You were too shy to make the move to ask me out but you did it anyways. I wanted it to be simple and comfy, like a hangout sesh but you took it to a whole different level.
Our first lunch date was super awkward because we used to hang with people we know. When it was just you and I, yeah awwwwwkward. I remembered you were being super formal at first, asking me about my life and family and what not. Then I decided to break the formal ice by asking you deep questions. You opened up and that was a relief. Movies and popcorns on you, Uh-Mayyy-Zing cinema bonding sesh :P .  And you calling that nite telling me how much fun you had on our date got me thinking, hey I might like you. Just might. Then you said something I could never forget, "I have never opened up dekat someone macam tadi over lunch. What you did to me...that was something yang I sendiri pun tak boleh nak explain. I really like you. Thank you for tadi". I was in awe !

I need to get into a habit of taking pictures with people now. I don't wanna lose these precious memories. Ah should've camwhored with you and post em on ig ! Dammittttttttttttttttttttttttt. But hey, you made my day :)